


Blood Is Thicker Than Water

by 2b_or_not_221b



Category: Sherlock (TV), johnlock - Fandom
Genre: FTM, M/M, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-11 07:00:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 19,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11709264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2b_or_not_221b/pseuds/2b_or_not_221b
Summary: Life is a cesspool of shit, you just have to be willing to swim...Takes place in the last year of school. Sherlock is barely existing in school, as only a select few know his name.Until one day he is paired with the one person he dreads the most... John Watson.  We also delve into the past of Sherlock himself and what made him the way he is.Lots of fluff, and smut because why not ;)Wee bit of Greg and Sherlock as wellAnd some of Greg and MyCroft...





	1. Chapter 1

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epigraph

"Do you ever fear someone enough that you purposefully avoid them. Not the kind of physical fear of hitting or punching, but the fear of their disappointment or embarrassment of you."

 

Matthew J. McEachan   
Author of 'Blood Is Thicker Than Water'

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                                         blurb 

Life is a cesspool of shit, you just have to be willing to swim...

Takes place in the last year of school. Sherlock is barely existing in school, as only a select few know his name.   
Until one day he is paired with the one person he dreads the most... John Watson. We also delve into the past of Sherlock himself and what made him the way he is. 

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                                 character list

Sherlock Holmes   
John Watson   
Molly Hooper   
Greg Lestrade   
Mycroft Holmes    
The Mother  
The Father   
Harry Watson  
Mrs Watson 

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note 

This story like the others I have written are about Transgender individuals and their lives. Even though this story is purely fanciful and fiction the emotional and physical distress is real. 

** please comment and like.

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timeline 

Started - [19/07/17]  
Finished - [...]  
Edited - [...] 

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copyright

 

©2017-2018 Matthew J. McEachan  
All Rights Reserved


	2. Prologue

The earliest memory I have -well I am not sure it is a memory per-say or just one of those recollections that your mum reminisces about while she sips rosé from her cheap, lipstick stained wine glass, thinking of a better time when you where 'such a sweet child' and audibly proclaims 'what happened to you' in front of your friends.- is when I got myself wedged between a decorative seven foot tall plant pot in my local supermarket. The irony of the whole endeavour was that my mother whom is the one who swore to protect me (being her child and all) left. I guess many who know me could say that is where I began to deteriorate, although only being a mere eight years old. 

Looking back on it now at the ripe age of eighteen -the cusp of adolescence- it is rather humorous to say the least. However, at eight not so much. I felt abandoned by the sole person who was meant to make me feel safe and secure. 

However, with memory comes time and with time comes progress, but to what I am not sure. Maybe a step in the direction of acknowledgement of my past, or maybe it is on her behalf. Either way progress is something.


	3. Chapter One

What even is self discovery? 'To find ones self'. Do we really ever find ourselves or do we die trying? I have always thought that when I truly and completely find myself it will be in the arms of the person you love.   
                              *  
Transfixed upon the step outside my home, breathing in the polluted air that surrounds me I stare upon my mother, whom is lost in her own reflection as she waits for me to lock the door and haul my ass into the passenger seat to begin our commute to the familiar surroundings of school. It was of course my last full year of torture before being forced into the residual cycle of adulthood and menial labour. I have never really found the use in school after a certain point. Why they force children to sit in a class for 6 hours and re-sight Shakespeare I will never understand, but yet here I am conforming with a cotton noose tied around my neck, protected by a ironed barrier of a white sweat sponge that is a shirt. 

The step in which I stand upon is where I usually ponder on the day ahead, but today was different I could feel it. I could feel that it might not be as shit as the day prior. The air just felt different as it trailed its way around my skin and trickled effortlessly, dancing as it left a path of goosebumps in its wake. 

"Oi, will you hurry up" of course she had to go and ruin my thought process with her common, rich English dialect. 

"Yes, whatever I'm coming." I managed to say before turning and locking the door behind me and making my way into the car, slamming the door in a typical teenage manner - how stereotypical of me. - 

As always my mother decides small talk about my life suffices as a good topic of conversation at what? 7am. It is safe to say I was not in the mood for this, so true to character one word answers is all I had the strength to muster, until the ten minute ride came to a pleasurable end with another slamming of a door and a subtle wave, as I strode my way down the brick stoned path to hell. 

I always felt misunderstood in school, like I never really belonged. I was never the most athletic, or handsome or funniest, I just sort of existed - like a floater . -  No one really took notice of me as I always had my head in a book, drowning out the stupidity around me, and today was no different as I took my usual spot by the window in the third row of seats, waiting for the only few normal people who where worthy of my time to arrive.


	4. Chapter 4

School was never like this before, never the cesspool of shit that constantly gave me a headache from growling at everyone who seemed to step within two yards of me. It was more enjoyable, more tolerable. I would say the problems began during my fourth year, for several reasons, but mostly due to the monuments fact that that was the year I came out. 

To me being gay was never really something that was that big of a deal. Well that's a bit of an understatement to say the least but, I guess I just never seen myself as straight so it didn't impact my life too much.  
                             *  
Fourth year was the year I finally decided to tell the homophobic arseholes that consumed my school to stuff it. I was always the product of bullying from a young age, you could say I was something of a genius. Not that I would ever admit it, I was far too modest for that. Instead I blended into the shadows and only a few saw me. 

That year, was the year that he came to the school. John Watson. He was your stereotypical jock; athletic, good with the girls, and most of all a complete and utter idiot. True he had his advantages, being head of the rugby team and all, but academics was never his forte to say the least. He would rather throw around that weird shaped ball and shout expletives to his team mates -typical.-   
However, I found his flaws and all round persona completely and utterly irresistible. He was what you may call dreamy, but me being well me he never really noticed. 

His friends on the other hand did. 

I never really like to reveal in the term 'bullied' but I guess that's what I was, they saw me as an outsider, but I liked it that way. They would never physically touch me, but words can hurt just as bad. The odd faggot got threw my way; even before I was out. I always thought I was good at pretending, I guess not. 

Anyway, back to John. John Watson. John, with his hazel eyes and floppy brown hair complimenting his pale, but slightly tanned complexion. He was adorable. Yet, the shadows is where I remained, with my exceedingly large crush and only one person who knew about it. Molly Hooper.  
                         *

I had only being sitting reading for fifteen minutes before the doors swung open to reveal an exhausted looking Molly; with her hair in a messy bun, and bundles of books balancing not so elegantly under her arm as she approached me. "Six years at this school and I still find you in the same spot reading" she spoke with a posh English accent, but not the type of posh that you want to punch them in the face for being pretentious. 

I exhaled rather loudly before closing my book. "Ever the annoyance aren't we Molly" I said with a smirk. 

She sat down just as John strode in with his head searching for somewhere to sit, yet it didn't look like his ape friends had arrived yet. 

To my pleasure, and somewhat discomfort he spotted us sitting in the corner. He waved profusely at us and stalked over. "Hey, do you mind if I sit here for a while?" I imagine I went a severe shade of red, as my palms began to sweat. Me and John have not spoken since last summer and now he was smiling at both me an Molly waiting on an answer. I opened my mouth but all that came out was this pathetic caw, before Molly saved me from more humiliation. "Yes, we don't mind." Shit. Well so much for saving me.


	5. Chapter 5

John was always the person that everything came naturally to; like sports, friends, and amazing good looks. Where as I was the poler opposite; excelled in classes, - all expect sports - had two real friends by I'm sure default because no one could stand being around me without some other reason and I looked like the back end of a horse. 

I would rather spend my time delving into imagined worlds where everything had a happy ending, or battling orks on the battlefield of middle earth than spend time in the real world with actual real life human beings. To me I couldn't fathom anyone who relished in that; all accept John, whom seemed to have his minions around him at every turn. 

Laughing and joking about what I didn't care, but deep down I only wanted that smile directed at me, and for me to be the one that made that irresistible smile dance across his face. 

I felt something nudge me and fingers proceed to click in front of me. "Sherlock!" Another click. "Hello, anyone home." A hand waved in front on my face. "Sherlock." 

I blinked vigorously as to bring my self out of my dream state. "Yes, alright you can stop that now." I spoke as I swat a waving hand away from my face.   
A voice from my left side spoke. "What where you thinking about? It must have been important" I turned to face the voice only to be brought to the face of John. 

I coughed an excessive amount, enough to draw attention to me and my now dry mouth. "Arrr-ehhhh...I" I croaked before collecting all my belongings, pushing them rather forcefully into my bag before standing up and rushing out of the cafeteria, leaving a bewildered Molly, and a blushing yet confused John. I couldn't be in there any more not after what just happened, even though he didn't know what I was thinking about. I didn't have the strength to face him, he was far too close to me and my delicate heart couldn't take it. I have already accepted realisation that we could never be together because he is John and I am me; this residual fuck up, arrogant and obnoxious twat. 

I made my way to my first class after hiding out in the bathroom for twenty-five minutes until the bell rang sounding my funeral; as I had first period with the famous John. The one who prior had front row seats to my extremely dramatic melt down, yey!   
The door was opened as I entered the classroom, with only a few pupils already seated, making a ruckus -pathetic humans.- I took my proclaimed seat, up the back of the class, placed my bag on the tables and proceeded to rest my head on it. I didn't need to learn this dribble as I taught myself it years ago, now I just relax up the back and waste the hour away staring holes in the bleak monochrome wall.   
A loud commotion of boys laughing brought my gaze towards the front of the classroom as John and his disciples entered, leaving a trail of stupid as they approached their seats. To my discomfort John sat in front of me. I am not totally sure if it was to taunt me or what but it was distracting me from my busy schedule of looking at the wall.   

*   
I have always been told that feelings don't matter, that they slow you down and make you weak. Well by told I mean imprinted on me by my older brother whom thinks he's some god. Where in reality he is just one year my senior. It was always 'love is a chemical defect found on the losing side and you Sherlock are no loser, now stop behaving like a child.' For years I heard this complete shit, and for years I believed it and to a certain extent still do.   
As the sort of feelings I have can never be reciprocated, because the one I have feelings for is a straight as a ruler and not the bendy kind; although that would benefit me a lot. 

So for years I taught myself how to burry these feelings and proceed to put up a front in order to protect my emotions. I became this machine, this hollow shell of a human that only a select few saw, one being Molly and the other being Greg. 

Molly, Greg and I have been friends for as long as I can remember. They are the closest thing I have to family as my biological one is rather annoying (that is for another time.) 

Greg and I met, in primary school where he hit me in the face with a ball and from then on our friendship blossomed, but for Greg I'm sure he always hoped for more. You see Greg has had this major infatuation with me, - rather stupid if you ask me - he doesn't know I know, and for both our sakes doesn't act on it. That brings me to Molly. Well Molly is rather like Greg by, she is drawn to me, but unlike Greg she knows I am gay therefore knows I'm strictly off limits. I am not sure why I haven't told Greg I am gay, everyone else seems to know except him. Must have been asleep for my big coming out party. 

* 

Lunch steadily approached and this brought its own misery. Both eating and communication, equally painful, as digestion slows my brain function down and well I hate talking to people. 

I stalked my way to my usual table with Greg and Molly whom where engrossed within a conversation about a blue box or something or other. I didn't pay much attention to what they where saying as my attention was else where -with John.- as it always was these days. I had been staring for what felt forever before his hazel eyes brought their gaze to me and held it for several seconds. In those seconds I felt everything, before they darted away and a slight, barely noticeable blush spread delicately across his pale face, with mine as equally red.


	6. Chapter 6

Do you ever fear someone enough that you purposefully avoid them. Not the kind of physical fear of hitting or punching, but the fear of their disappointment or embarrassment of you. 

Yeah well that's how I felt about my mother. She was this older woman with a 'big personality' according to the world, but in her heart or head she believed she was still seventeen and life owed her something.   
She never really wanted children, well mainly me. Mycroft was an exception, -he was the golden child, and in my mothers eyes could do no wrong- whereas I was the disappointment, the child that was an accident. The result of a drunken 'fool around'. -and with that I am being delicate- 

We are meant to love our mothers unconditionally, but my mother craves a different kind of love, a love that only a man could fill and she succeeds in getting that 'love' off several different men at a time, as she claims 'men are only good for one thing.' 

The thing is, I'm not sure I love her. It sounds ridiculous and an primitive response to a bad situation. However, she has a tendency to be pernicious without even acknowledging she is doing it. To me that shows her obliviousness towards me and her actions.

I look at my friends mothers and wonder how mine became so fucked up, how our relationship became so strained. Molly's Mum is this caring, devoted mother that strives to want the best for her daughter no matter the expenses. Gregs Mum is on the same playing field, where by she is this sweet person whom never has a bad word to say about anyone -even me.- 

I always knew that mine and my mothers relationship was meretricious, as to the world she glorified it and made it into this big spektical of that it was not. 

I feel my none existent relationship between me and my mother, and the seriously fucked up one between me and Mycroft left me with this void that could not be filled no matter how much I craved it. Well that was before John Watson.

Like me John was from a broken home, his father left like mine when he was 11. Now he lives with his older sibling, Harry, and his mother. Even though he comes across as this strong, unfeeling jock I see past the facade as I too put up a mask in order to protect the true nature of my heart and how it is this cesspool of unreciprocated emotion.

*  
The school day drew to a close as the bell signalled the end. I made my way towards the doors with my bag slugged over my shoulder, eyes seeking out Molly who was suppose to meet me outside.

I slouched upon the railing of the stairs, and waited, head drooped so I did not need to make eye contact unless completely necessary. All I saw was a swarm of shoes pass me, before a pair halted before me.   
I looked up, raising and eyebrow, as I knew these shoes did not belong to Molly, -she had shinny black ones and these where dirty converse.- only to be brought to the face of John; a smile danced its way across his face as his eyes shone in the low rise sun.   
He took a step forward to allow someone passed him and was now inches away from me. "Sorry" he muttered and took a step back. "What are you doing here anyway?" He questioned as he looked across to the car park. 

I dropped my head to look at my shoes before speaking. "I-well..." I gulped, I didn't realise my mouth was so dry until now. "Sorry" I brought my gaze up to him, he still had that goofy smile upon his face waiting for me to continue. "I am waiting on Molly, I am going to her house." 

He turned again to face the car park, took a deep breath and then spoke. "Aw, alright" he swivelled back round to face me. "Is Molly your girlfriend?"  He questioned with a serious tone. 

I laughed, well more of a snort. "Molly? Oh god no! She- we are just friends" I laughed again and he let out a slight laugh and looked away. "Oh, right sorry"  
I raised my eyebrow at him "it's alright, I can see how you thought we where dating but- well she's not my type" 

He still didn't look at me, fascinated by the many cars or something. "And what is your type then?" He questioned with a lower tone. 

"Men." I said matter of factly. I was waiting for him to laugh, or punch me in the face, due to the summer we shared, but none of that happened. He just turned to face me, with a slight blush on his face. I wasn't sure if it was from the heat or not. 

"that's good" he said and he smiled weakly before diverting his attention back to the car park.

Just as I was about to open my mouth to say something else, elaborate on everything, Molly came out the school doors and approached us. She looked between us, smirked and then raised an eyebrow at me. 

I just waved my hand dismissing her judgemental gaze. "You ready then?" I asked her. She nodded and began to walk towards my car. 

I lingered for just a moment, turning back to see John staring at me. I waved goodbye and began to walk to my car. 

I was just about to open the door and I heard footsteps and panting behind me. "Sherlock!"   
I turned at the sound of my name, to face John. Why was he running after me? Did I forget something? "John what are you doing?" I asked as he was doubled over, in an attempt to catch his breath. 

"I-emmm... here." He handed me a piece of paper and ran off the way he came. 

I unfolded the torn piece of paper to see neat cursive handwriting which read; 

079562700

It was his number! However, upon further inspection I noticed that it was lacking the last digit from where my thumb was pressed against the ink. Great. 

I looked up in a hasty search for John only only to realise he was gone from view. Shit what am I meant to do now? 

I pocketed the piece of paper and proceeded to make my way into my car where Molly was waiting.


	7. Chapter 7

The car ride to Molly's house was tedious. All she did was hum an annoying pop song for what felt like an eternity. "Stop, oh my god stop!" I shouted a little louder than what I expected and shocked her as well as myself. 

She made this inhuman like squeal and turned to face me. "What is wrong with you? You usually don't mind my humming" I didn't say anything, just growled at the road ahead. 

She could tell I wasn't going to answer her, so she was silent all the way to her house, which I was really thankful for. 

*   
I can't remember a time where I haven't liked John. Well of course before I knew him - so before fourth year-  but that is not the point. 

John was this incredible person whom never noticed me until our fifth year of school, around about summer time. 

He had moved in around the corner the previous year. I had discovered this when I thought he was following me home, which I don't know if it would have been classed as stalking since I wanted him to be close to me. Turns out he wasn't following me home, just going to his and the following day I am not proud to say I walked past it to see if he indeed lived there. 

The summer of fifth year was different from the previous years as this particular year we didn't go visit my grandparents in Scotland for the entirety of the summer. Instead we stayed in England and I had to survive six weeks with my insufferable mother and bother. 

One particular day during that summer my mother was being a complete arse I stormed out with no destination in mind, but I just needed away in order to clear my head. I walked my street and rounded the corner onto the street where John lived, but due to my raised levels of anger I was oblivious to the fact, and without acknowledging I had, I bumped into him as he was coming out of the gate to his house. It took me a few minutes to register what had happened and who it was, and by this time he was knelt down picking up the contents of his bag that had spilled over the pavement below. I blinked vigorously to bring myself back to reality, bent down and started helping him. 

"Stop, you don't need to, it is totally fine" he said as he pushed my hand away. I recoiled, brushed off the dirt from my trouser legs and stood my height 

"sorry" I muttered. He finished picking up his belongings and mimicked my prior actions before speaking. 

"It is alright, just look where you are going next time Sherlock" 

I looked at him questioningly "how do you know my name? I didn't know you knew who I was" I asked while I dropped my gaze to kick a nonexistent stone with my shoe. 

He let out a subtle laugh "of course I know who you are, why wouldn't I?" 

I stared at him once again "I don't know, because I am no one" I looked at him sheepishly as spoke. 

"I hardly doubt that, even if you where no one, I would still want to know who you where" even though that made no sense what so ever, I smiled at him as he returned it. 

He turned to look down the street behind him "Emm- I'm going to the park..." he said as he turned back around. "Oh okay I'll just-" before I could finish he cut me off. 

"Do you want to come with me, gets kind of lonely there some times?" He questioned while continuing to smile. 

I gulped, as my mouth had become so very dry in the space of a second. "Y-y-yeah" I croaked. He smiled even wider at my awkwardness before turning on his heals and stalked his way down the street "well come on then Sherlock" he shouted as he made it to the corner. I ran -well when I say ran I mean more like a new born calve taking its first steps- after him, where he stood waiting at the corner on me. 

*   
Molly and I sat in her bedroom which was a ridiculous pink colour with floral pattern everywhere and when I say everywhere I mean EVERYWHERE! They where on her bedsheets, on the walls, even on teddy bears – Who even had teddybears  anymore, what was she like five.– Her room always gave me a sore head. 

I sat with my back against the head board and she sat at my feet with her back to the wall, dangling her feet over the edge of her bed. We still hadn't spoken a word to one another since I shouted at her in the car ride over here. 

I looked at her, she was staring off into the distance obviously not comfortable with this silence so I decided to break it. "Molly, I am sorry for shouting at you." She still didn't look at me, only sighed in response. 

It was several minutes before she turned and spoke. "Look- I don't expect you to tell me everything that is bothering you but I am your best friend and I just want to make sure you are alright... if this is about you-know-who then you know I am here for you right?" She hadn't stopped to take a breath and it was rather impressive to say the least. She was staring, obviously waiting for an answer. 

I grunted and rubbed my hands over my face in sheer defeat. "It's always about him" I mumbled more to myself than to her, but she heard me all the same. 

She placed a hand on my shoulder. Usually I don't like human contact but this I needed. I let myself be swept up in her touch, burying my head into her shoulder. 

I haven't cried in years of this, but right here and now I couldn't hold it in any longer. I had tried so hard to be this hollow person who didn't feel, who guarded their emotions behind a mask. However, in this moment Molly was not judging me or telling me I was weak for crying. She just held me in her arms and whispered that everything was going to be alright, and for the first time in my life I actually believed it.


	8. Chapter 8

John and I walked to the park with an awkward silence occupying the air around us, making it impossible for me to breathe properly. 

It had taken us fifteen minutes to get there because John insisted in stopping off at the shops to buy some commercialised bottle of juice, while I lingered outside busying myself with a stray stone on the pavement beneath my feet. 

The park was deserted for it being a Saturday afternoon, well it was four o'clock, and our generation rarely ventured outside before seven -apparently everyone was allergic to the sun and fresh air.- So we claimed an unoccupied seat beside the river, under a tree. 

I had never been to the park before. Even though I had lived here all my life. Now that I was here, I filled my lungs with the unpolluted air and the beauty of my surroundings. It was bliss. That's when I noticed John staring at me. 

"What?" I questioned, still taking in my surroundings. 

He just smiled sheepishly "nothing" before turning and facing the river. 

The silence was unbearable even for me -someone who thrived on it.- and it didn't look like John was about to break it anytime soon. "John?" I questioned.

He turned his gaze towards me, his beautiful hazel eyes taking me by surprise in the sunlight. "Yeah?" He mumbled out the side of his mouth. 

I pretended to be interested on a fallen leaf that landed on the ground. "Why do come here? And why did you ask me to join you? You don't even know me" I kept my eyes fixed on the ground as I could feel his gaze burn a hole in my head.

"Well do I really need and excuse" typical.   
I rolled my eyes and stared at him. 

"Yes" I said matter or factly and he huffed in response, turning to face me even more. 

"Well I come here to think, it is beautiful here you know..." he smiled subtly while saying this, it made my heart melt. "and I asked you because well you bumped into me. Thanks for that by the way" he laughed and pushed me slightly in the shoulder. All I did was stare at where his hand had made contact, smiling ever so slightly to myself. "And- well I would like to get to know you I guess... I've been here for a year, and while I made friends they always seemed to pick on you and I just wanted to say sorry" he looked down at his hands as he rubbed them together. 

I placed my hand on his shoulder "you don't have to apologise" I spoke softly while taking my hand away. 

He looked up at me with an expression I had never seen on his face before and could not for the life of me figure out what it meant; and I knew everything. "So-em..." he coughed at the sudden awkwardness "what do you do for fun around here?" He questioned. 

I snorted at this "nothing, this is the kind of place people move to when they are sick of actually living." I was now laughing at how oblivious he was to this.   
He just continued to stare at me for several seconds, obviously thinking about something by the way his eyebrows furrowed together, making his face look adorable. He licked his bottom lip -not that I was looking- 

"let's make our own fun then" he spoke with this sparkle in his eye, before rising to his feet and brushing the stray bits of dirt from his trousers, before offering his hand for me to take.  

*   
Molly had gone to make me some food after sitting with me for half an hour, waiting for me to stop crying. 

I sat on her bed with my knees pulled to my chest, staring out the window adjacent. I don't know how my life got so fucked up, whether it be my mother, my father, my brother or myself. I just couldn't pin point the exact moment. 

The only thing that came to my mind while I was reminiscing was a time my mother and I went to our local supermarket for nothing in-particular, and while she was browsing the isles I thought it would be an excellent idea to see if I could fit behind a large decorative plant pot. Safe to say I got stuck. Like the child I was, naturally I cried for my mother to help, but instead she took one look at me -the look of sheer horror- about turned and proceeded to make her way out of the store. 

Curled on Mollys bed remembering prior failures, I cried once again that night. This time it was subtle and only meant for myself, as I knew that I blamed my mother for so much, as I could not accept responsibility for my own foolish actions. I was a fucking idiot. No wonder no one could love me. Who would.


	9. Chapter 9

Molly made her way back to her bedroom with food in hand to find me curled in a ball watching the light trickle in through the draped curtains, created by the moon. She did not disturb me, only placed the plate on the desk beside the door, grabbed a blanket and proceeded to place it over me. I didn't realise I was shivering until the moment she placed a hand on my back and whispered for me to get some rest, before leaving the room the way she came. 

*   
John and I ended up in the movie theatre, he claimed that he wanted to see this new movie that had just been released about a doctor who was a super hero or something. I wasn't really paying attention when he explained it for the third time. Exclaiming that I would love it as he bought me popcorn, even though I politely refused. Twice.   
The theatre was empty, with the exception of a few stranglers who looked like the stereotypical geek.   
John motioned me to sit, whilst handing me my popcorn. 

The theatre was awfully dark, and John was sitting terribly close even though no one was around him to push him in my general direction. 

The movie started and I won't admit it but within the first twenty minutes I was completely engrossed in the plot. The main character was weirdly attractive and that made the movie even more enjoyable. Half way through Johns hand brushed mine as we fought for custody of the arm rest between us. I froze as his fingers lingerd on mine for moments more than I was sure was allowed and then his slowly began to curl around the open spaces that my fingers had created. 

For the foreseeable movie I just stared vacantly at the screen, not consuming anything that happened. He was still sitting awfully close and I was positive he would hear my steadily increasing heartbeat due to his proximity and resting hand between my own. 

*   
I had left Molly's home minutes after waking up. I left a note saying thank you and that I had went home as I could not find her anywhere. 

I stalked my way home, greeting my mother with a grunt as she questioned where I was. Before climbing the stairs to my bedroom, where I flopped face first onto my bed, letting out an exasperated sigh. 

I am not sure how long I lay like this, possibly hours, maybe a day. However, all I know that a residual buzzing noise pulled me from my self-loathing state.   
I groaned, whilst pulling myself off of my bed before hunting for the noise. 

I pulled my now silent phone from my coat pocket, only to realise I had six missed calls from Molly. Shit. 

Typing her number into my phone, and waiting for a response felt like forever. It took me two attempts before she picked up. "Sherlock, where are you??" She questioned with worry lacing her voice. 

"At home, I left a note didnt you get it?" I replied, whilst flopping back on my bed once more. I could here she was now walking outside as her front door clicked. 

Through a muffled voice she spoke "I'm on my way, be there in five minutes" and before I could protest she ended the call. I grunted rather loudly before throwing my phone across the room, not caring for it's possible demise. 

*   
"So what did you think?" John asked, with a smile plastered on his face. Obviously he wanted me to have enjoyed the movie as it was evident he had. 

For the life of me I could not remember what had happened after John held my hand with his own. However I smiled "it was great, yeah." This was clearly the answer he expected as he started to do this weird dance as he delved into a conversation about his favourite parts -the word conversation being operative- all I did was nod in response to his depiction of the movie. 

We had walked all the way down the street, nearing his house the time he finally shut up about the movie. He stopped dead in his tracks, fear evident in his eyes "fuck...shit. OH MY GOD!" He was staring off into the distance clearly something had scared him. I turned away from him, to face what he was looking at only to find Mary Morstan walking towards us with a smile on her face. I turned back to John and all the colour had drained from his face, I wasn't sure why. 

"John" a shrill voice spoke from behind me. I turned to face it. Mary was standing with her hands on her hips. 

"Where have you been? We where meant to meet two hours ago" she asked with a smile still dancing across her features. 

I about turned to now face John as he spoke "I-errr..." he looked seriously uncomfortable. 

"He was with me-sorry... I am Sherlock" I spoke before I had registered I had done it. I turned yet again to face Mary, hand outstretched. 

She complied and shook it "yes I know who you are, what where you doing with my boyfriend" boyfriend... her boyfriend. John and Mary where together. I froze on the spot. Not sure if my now weak legs had the capability to hold me upright.   
I didn't give Mary an explanation just, ran past her in the direction of my house. 

When I arrived I ignored the interrogation from my mother, stalked the stairs and slammed the door of my bedroom behind me. Her boyfriend... when did that happen. How could I not have noticed this, I noticed everything.

I threw myself onto my bed, letting tears slip down my face leaving a trail of pain in their wake.   
The pillow my face was smothered into muffled my sobs making them silent, for only my ears. I cried... cried from my stupidity. Cried because I wanted someone to like me. Cried because I thought I found that person only for them to have someone else.   
Even though nothing happened between me and John, I felt safe with him near. I felt that everything was going to be alright, that no matter what, by his side is where I was meant to be. 

Now I realised this was a foolish boys fantasy. John had someone he loved. Someone to care for him, and that was not me. 

There in the all- encompassing darkness I swore that from that day onwards I would become hollow and not let my heart rule my head.


	10. Chapter 10

I lay staring into the abyss, not particularly thinking about anything just peering holes into the roof that was above me. 

Five minutes after I threw my phone at the corner of my room, like Molly said she appeared at me door. She was out of breath from obviously running up the stairs. 

"Sh-sher-Sherlock" she spoke through exasperated breaths, as she doubled over in order to regain composure. I raised an eyebrow at her strange behaviour, raised myself into a sitting position and gestured for her to continue her narrative. "Gawd, I didn't realise running up stairs took that much out of you" she huffed before making her way over to my bed. Where she collapsed into a heap. 

"Molly, what are you doing here?" I questioned. Now irritated by her actions and lack of explanation. 

She propped herself up on one elbow to face me. Her face was flushed and a slight sweat danced on her brow. "Here...think you might want this back" she said, handing me a piece of paper. 

I took it from her "this is the letter I wrote to you before leaving, so what?" I groaned. She came all this way to give me back a stupid letter. 

She raised herself to a sitting position to match my own. "Turn it over, you idiot" she laughed at my obliviousness. 

I did as instructed. Only to find the number John had scribbled down for me. I raised my head to look at her, she was smirking. "Who's number is that" she spoke with a slight squeak to her voice. 

"Ughhhhhh" I flopped back down onto my bed whilst letting out an sigh. "It's John's" 

She jumped to her feet, scaring me slightly at the sudden outburst. "WHAT!" She explained whilst flaring her hands about. 

"Molly calm down, he gave it to me the other day. It's not a big deal" I spoke nonchalantly. 

She glared through my entire sole; Molly was this sweet person -the complete opposite of me- and she never looked at anyone like this. It was a look as if to say seriously, you fucking idiot. "NOT A BIG DEAL!" she shouted even louder than before, now pacing the room. "This coming from the boy who obsessed over John for what nearly three years, only to last year have him befriend you and you throw it back in his face huh?" She raised an eyebrow and halted pacing. "He gave you his number and you didn't think it was a bloody big deal" she huffed rather loudly, before turning her gaze to me "did you at least call him?" She questioned after her outburst. 

I lowered my head to look at my hands that now rested in my lap and let out a subtle sigh. "No" I all but whispered, more to myself. 

She made her way towards me, bent down and placed her hand under my chin in order to bring my head back to looking at her. "Sherlock, you love him don't you?" She spoke softly. I nodded. "Well call him then." 

I shrugged her hand away from my face, not bringing myself to her gaze. "I can't-" I croaked, my voice betraying me. 

"Why not" she said as she stood back to her height. "Look-" I huffed handing her the letter for her to read.   
"Oh" was all I heard before she proclaimed her place beside me once again. 

*   
I was purposefully avoiding John in the weeks that followed our 'day out' during the summer. It had been several days and I was proud of myself for not running into him. 

All until one Saturday afternoon. My mother sent me to the shops in order to get her food even though her legs where perfectly capable of doing it themselves.   
I was halfway back home when, I bumped into someone. I groaned whilst rubbing my now sore shoulder and raised my head to see whom had been so oblivious as to run into me, only to come face-to-face with a slightly sweaty, mud ridden John. He smiled fondly at me, one in which I did not return. I pushed my way past him and began to walk home. 

"Sherlock" I heard from behind me "wait-where are you going" was spoke in a manner than matched that of running as each word was breathless. 

I turned as a hand was placed on my shoulder. "What!" Using a tone that was more stern than he probably intended as he recoiled. 

"Um-I was just wondering" he rubbed the back of his neck "where you have been, I've not seen you around and I don't have your number so I couldn't phone you or nothing" he peered at the ground finding the pavement more interesting, only for me to stare at the sweat trickling it's way down his now red cheek. 

"I've been around" I stated nonchalantly as he lifted his head, exposing a hurt expression. 

"Oh, well-I was going to ask you to come see another movie with me but I couldn't find you" he was now staring me straight in the eye, but I didn't exhibit any emotion to let him know how I was feeling. I was Fucking dying inside. 

"You should have asked your girlfriend. Now good day." 

I about turned leaving a hurt John at my wake. Not looking back once. I knew that this was better for both of us. Me with my child-like crush and him with his girlfriend. Even the possibility of friendship was unthinkable as my infatuation would be overwhelming and ultimately ruin it as he would obviously not reciprocate those feelings, therefore making it awkward and then there would be no friendship. So ultimately this way was easier for both our sakes, and saved a great deal of humiliation -more so on my behalf- and heart ache -also on my behalf.-


	11. Chapter 11

Monday approached, which meant school. Molly had convinced me to seek John out and tell him about the number and that it was illegible due to the smudge caused by me. The only class I shared with him was physics; where he sat in front of me. However, we shared this class with his friends who very much despised me. GREAT! 

I trudged my way through the entire day until the class I shared with John. Molly had given me a 'pep talk' during lunch as the period I shared with John was right after. This talk didn't help, just made me even more nervous. 

When I arrived at the class no one was there, except the teacher who glared at me as I stalked my way to the back of the room and began my routine of staring at the wall. 

That is until John walked in. He looked at me with a slight smile on his face, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. Before proclaiming his assigned seat in front.   
The teacher rambled on about nothing particularly exciting. Until splitting is off into pairs. I'm not sure if it was dumb luck or it was hell, but the teacher decided it was a good idea to pair myself and John together. 

He turned around in his seat to face me, this time with no smile. Just an exhausted expression exhibited on all of his features. "Guess we are working together" he let out a muffled laugh, which sounded not like a laugh at all, more sarcastic than anything else. 

I just stared at my hands waiting for instructions. Once given we set about working no words exchanged between us for several minutes until he decided to break it. "Look-I didn't expect anything but I at least thought you would text or something" he whispered so no one except me could hear him. 

I looked at him with an apologetic expression "sorry- but...look" I spoke before reaching into my pocket and handing him the piece of paper. He peered at it and noticed the irregularity. 

He brought his gaze back to me with an 'o' shape to his lips. He looked around the room then tore a piece of paper from his notebook and scribbled something down. 

He handed me the paper and our fingers brushed and I froze, just staring vacantly at him. 

The bell rang to signal the end of the day and I waited for Molly in our usual meet up point. As I waited I watched John walk away, making his way home with Mary Morstan, wishing beyond anything that I was walking hand-in-hand with him. 

Only to be brought out of my thoughts by Molly approaching and asking if I was ready to leave, I didn't really listen to a word she said as she rambled on about how her day was. I just nodded in response when appropriate. 

Today I didn't go to Molly's house instead I dropped her off and went to my own. 

Where I lay on my bed with my phone in my hands as I threw it between each, debating whether or not to text John. I remained like this for an hour until I propped myself up, pulling my knees to my chest. 

I opened my phone, clicked the text message app and stared at it.

What do people even say in a text to the person they love whom is in love with someone else and therefore a relationship is nonexistent and you turned down their friendship? I pondered for moments more until I decided on a normalish text. 

Hey-SH 

I re-read it several times before sending it, making sure it sounded alright. A response came instantaneously. 

Hey Sherlock, I see you finally text me. 

I just can't believe it was the right number and that he actually text back. I smiled at the text before responding. 

Of course I haven't text you before now. I did not have a complete number of yours. -SH 

I sighed before sending It, still in shock that I had John's number. His next reply took longer this time. 

Sarcasm Sherlock. 

I didn't understand why it took him so long to respond with only two words but I replied all the same. 

Oh. Sorry. - SH 

I had never apologised to anyone, even if this was text it was still an accomplishment for me. 

Don't apologise, it doesn't suit you.

I guess I will have to get use to both sarcastic and sassy John. 

No, I guess not. -SH 

I closed my eyes waiting for a replying, as I thought about nothing in-particular. Only for him to respond half and hour later. I had nearly fell asleep until a vibration on my chest brought me out of my dream state. 

I was wondering if you would like to come see a movie next Friday with me and Mary? She suggested that you bring someone so it isn't weird for you. 

I re-read this message for ten minutes wondering if I had read it correctly, while tears fell down my face, but I made no attempt to wipe them away. I just let them fall as I was so broken, from just a single text message. It took all my strength to reply. 

Sure. -SH 

I threw my phone towards the other side of my room, where it fell with a loud thump, but I didn't even care. Not now. 

I was going to have to have to sit in a darkened movie theatre with John and his girlfriend for hours while they probably made out or where holding hands or something coupily like that. 

I hated that I love John and I hated that he loves Mary. That she was the one that had his heart and not myself. 

However I had a much bigger problem of who to bring. Who would ultimately show John that I didn't need his love, that I was perfectly capable of finding my own. 

Only one person fit that description.


	12. Chapter 12

I can't really remember my father, but I can remember the day he left vividly. I play it in my head like an old movie stuck on repeat, forever etched into my brain. His words trickled down my ears and danced around the air that day. It didn't feel real. Not to me. My father was the only one that really understood me. He-like me adored science, and taught me everything I know, we spent a considerable about of time together. Nights where it was just him and I. 

Although I have fond memories of him, I am not particularly sure they are real. More like the tainted ones you hold onto whether those be dreams or reality. They mean something to me, and always will.   
My mother was a better person when he was around, she didn't drink, didn't smoke and rarely swore. She was this pleasant woman, and now she was an arse hole. Consumed by greed, sex and men. 

My mother and my relationship is rather non-existent and I feel like that's the way she prefers it. I have never told my mother that I am gay, and I don't believe I shall. She is more conservative even though she shags a new man every other night.   
She would more and likely disown me. However, it feels like she already has. 

                  ****

The week dragged on, like a stick in the mud. I haven't spoken to John since the day we text. He just glances at me during the day in school. I am not sure what it means but his expression is always the same; sadness. 

He doesn't have a reason to be sad does he? I mean he has everything he wants. Mary. Love, and A mother who likes him. 

The day before my date with John -and also Mary- I decided to put my plan in to motion. It was rather a simple one to say the least. 

At lunch I approached the person who would ultimately make John see that I was over him, even though he doesn't know that I ever liked him to begin with. 

I stood in front of the table, hands placed inside my pockets and looked at them. 

"Greg?" I questioned. 

He shot his head up, with a blush present on his face. "Yeah Sherlock, what's up? Why aren't you sitting down?" He gave me a confused look, but smiled all the same. 

I took my seat at the table with Molly and Greg as I always did. "Greg?" I asked a little louder than prior. He was still staring at me so, I matched his gaze. "Would you like to go possibly" I gulped, my mouth was exceedingly dry, before continuing. "go on a date with me tomorrow?" I spoke quieter this time, so only Molly, Greg and myself could here.   
My gaze was now on a stray piece on lettuce that found its way to the table, waiting for him to respond. 

I heard him shift in his seat and before I could protest he was now kneeling next to me. He placed a finger under my chin and brought my face to look at his own. "Of course Sherlock" he spoke in an almost whisper, only directed at me. His cheeks flushed as we stayed like this for moments more, ultimately drawing attention from the now silent crowd around us. 

"Great" I managed to say through an exhale; a breath I didn't know I was holding. 

Before I knew it Greg's lips where pressed to my cheek. Surprisingly I did not pull away, only allowed him to kiss me. It was brief but I knew he needed to do it, so I let him. 

He raised himself to his proclaimed height and stalked his way back to his seat as if nothing had happened. 

I turned now to face the many people who had stopped to witness our little scene. Upon looking up, my eyes met with those of John's. They exhibited signs of hurt and lust. Why would he be hurt and more so lustful, especially not directed at Mary?

The day drew to a close and I waited like clock-work for Molly at our usual point. This time as I searched the sea of people for John he was no where to be seen. It was unusual for him not to be walking off with Mary whom I noticed was strolling off by herself. 

I watched as she walked away in the direction of her home. Transfixed upon her blond hair that danced in the wind. She was the person John loved. I have to accept that. He is happy and she is the one making him feel that way. 

My thoughts where disrupted by a person approaching, me thinking it was Molly turned with an exasperated sigh. "Took your time" I spoke as my eyes fell upon, not Molly but John. 

I took a step backwards, pressed up against the railing. "Sorry I thou-" I rushed before I was cut off.   
"It's alright, sorry I startled you" he said with a chuckle. 

We stood meters from one another, just staring at each other as an awkward silence fell upon us.   
"Sherlock?" He decided to break it, as he probably realised I wasn't about to anytime soon.   
I hummed in response, letting him know I was listening and for him to proceed. "You and Greg huh?" He questioned softly as if it hurt him to say those words. 

My gaze now fell upon my shoes, not able to look him in the eye "yeah I guess so" I said nonchalantly. 

"Is he coming with you tomorrow?" He questioned with a curious tone of voice. I brought my attention back to him, with a raised eyebrow. "Yeah he is, is that okay?" 

He just matched my expression, raising his own eyebrow. "Yeah why wouldn't it be it's not like it's a date or nothing" he then furrowed his eyebrows.   
I took a deep breath "well- it is for me and Greg" I spoke matter of factly. 

He looked off into the distance, scolding the scenery "oh" was all he said before he walked away without so much as a goodbye.


	13. Chapter 13

Molly and I where in my car, making our way to her home. She hadn't spoken a word since she entered, only proceeded to stare at me. 

"What?" I questioned after five minutes of her staring vacantly at me. 

She sighed and turned her attention to the road in front. "Seriously Sherlock, why do that to Greg? You know he likes you and you are only using him to get back at John" she let out another exasperated sigh once again. 

I kept my eyes fixed on the road, not able to look at her as she had correctly deduced my plan. "No I am not, I like Greg. It had just taken me this long to realise it" I spoke nonchalantly. 

She let out another sigh -how many Fucking sighs is she going to make.- "sure" she said sassily. I just rolled my eyes in response.

********

Greg was of course a nice person whom never said a horrible thing to anyone. I was always mean to him and all I ever received in return was a smile. It hurt me deep down that I was ultimately going to hurt Greg during this process. However, what if he kissed me and I suddenly fell madly in love with him, like a Disney princess movie, but real life was never that simple... 

********

Friday approached, and school took forever to end. It was by far the longest day of my life and Greg decided to sit awfully close to me during lunch, as if scared that if he didn't I would disappear.   
Although the day seemed to drag, the bell sounded and we where released from this hell for another weekend. Unlike the majority of my prior uneventful ones, this weekend might not be as bleak. 

I didn't bother waiting on Molly today, as she was in a mood with me and refused to talk to me the entire day. I went home and took an extra long shower to make sure I was clean. Before putting on my best clothes, spraying myself with an excessive amount of cologne, before I flopped on my bed waiting for time to tick by. 

I had lay there for what felt like forever until a buzzing noise brought me out of my state or relaxation. 

I peered at my phone only to notice that both Greg and John had text me.   
I clicked on Greg's first.   
Hey Sherlock, what time are we meeting tonight?   
I rushed a response.   
Around 8? -SH  
As I waited on Gregs reply I clicked on John's text.   
Hey Sherlock, how does half 8 sound?   
My time management was brilliant if I do say so myself.   
Yeah that is fine, where will I get you?-SH   
I switched back to Gregs text as he had now replied.   
Sounds great, I'll come pick you up.   
I gave a minimalist response   
Ok-SH   
I clicked back onto John's text and noticed he still hadn't replied. -he actually takes forever- I closed my eyes, waiting.  
A loud commotion and a hand pushing my shoulder brought me back to reality. I hadn't noticed I had fallen asleep and now Greg stood above me, with a smile on his face. 

"Hey sleepy head, you ready to go?" His smile grew even more as I pulled myself out of my bed and began to stretch. I watched him as he stared me up and down whilst biting his bottom lip. It was weirdly attractive. "Yeah, sorry must have fallen asleep" I let out a yawn. "What time is it!" I questioned as he pulled out his phone to check. "10 to 8" He said matter of factly. 

I let out another yawn before making my way towards the door. "Well we best be going, don't want to be late" 

He followed suit and we proceeded to the front door, where I grabbed my coat, but before we cleared the threshold into the sanctuary of the outdoors Mycroft approached us. "Where are you off to brother dear?" He questioned as he leaned on the doorjamb that separated the living room and the hallway. 

I didn't respond, just rolled my eyes at his pathetic attempts at brotherly love. However, Greg seemed more keen and offered his hand in order for Mycroft to shake, in which he obliged. 

"You must be Mycroft, I've heard little about you" Greg stated as he recoiled his outstretched hand. 

"Yes well that is my brother for you" he replied with a smirk. "And you must be Gregory Lestrade I presume?" Stating as he gazed him up and down, taking in his entire persona. 

"Yeah...it was really nice to meet you" Greg said with a wink. A wink? This was getting rather awkward. "I hope to see you again Mycroft" he spoke as he again shook his hand, all be it slower than before, and when retreating placed it straight into his pocket and about turned, proceeding to the car in wait. 

"Where exactly are we going?" Greg questioned as he opened the car door for me to step inside. 

"The cinema, if that is alright" I spoke as he started to drive. All he did was nod in response. 

We arrived at the cinema at twenty past 8, because Greg was a careful driver. It would have usually taken me ten minutes to get there but he drove like an old woman. 

As we approached I could see John and Mary standing at the doors to the theatre. They where hand in hand but as John saw me and Greg approach he dropped her hand and walked towards us "hey guys, what took you two so long" he questioned as Greg turned to me and raised an eyebrow as if to say 'what the fuck.' 

When I didn't reply Greg spoke up. "Well this one fell asleep" he pushed me playfully in the arm and a smile etched it's way onto my face no matter how much I didn't want it to. 

"Sorry" I muttered and pushed him back, with equal playfulness. 

John just stared like a gaping fish at the scene in front of him. He coughed and turned his attention towards Mary "Hey, Mary come say hello" he shouted as she was still standing at the doors a few yards away. 

She strolled over with her hands in her pockets and an unamused look on her face "Hey" she said as she reached out a hand for both me and Greg to shake. She took mine more forcefully than Gregs and peered right through my sole as she did so.   
I gulped and withdrew my hand, before Greg took it in his. 

I turned to look at him as he did this only for a smile and a slight blush to creep its was upon his face. I returned this and gestured for him to lead the way.


	14. Chapter 14

I have always been a shy person whom doesn't really speak much to anyone. I find myself relishing in silence and isolation. 

My family never really provides the warmth and consistency of love that I so desperately crave, so I find it through other means. 

I taught myself everything I know, from science to deducing the sauce stain on your shirt from the night prior. Knowledge has been my only friend from as long as I can remember. That is until Molly. 

Molly is the sole person in which I can confide in and will tell me when I am being a complete arse to everyone around me. She knows me better than I know myself, which is rather strange to say the least. So when I told her about my crush on John, she did not judge me. Just asked what I was going to do about it since he was the straightest man you could possibly meet. 

At that particular moment in time I was just content with lurking in the shadows and being a nobody, because someone like me doesn't deserve someone like John. 

However, sitting in the cinema with close proximity to John brought back memories of our prior encounter at the theatre where our lovely day was interrupted by the girlfriend of his which to my dismay was sitting just a seat away.

To me she was the spawn of satan and I hated everything about her especially the fact that she had John's heart, although John seemed to be infatuated with every aspect of her facade. 

I gritted my teeth and clenched the arm rest that my right hand was draped over, I was so annoyed.   
Greg must have realised this as he placed his hand over mine and squeezed it reassuringly. 

I turned to look at him and he replied with a subtle smile. He was really sweet and I felt so bad for using him for my selfish gain, and ultimately hurting him and loosing a friend. 

"Hey, are you okay?" He questioned in a whisper close to my ear which startled me, bringing me out of my thoughts. 

I nodded in response only for him to smile before turning his attention back to the screen. 

I on the other hand brought my gaze towards John and Mary. They weren't sitting close like me and Greg and weren't holding hands or being like a couple at all. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion and that's when I saw John glancing at me out the side of his eye, he took notice of me staring, abruptly coughed and grabbed Mary's hand. That was odd? 

I brushed it off as nothing though, this must've been what straight people do when they go to the cinema. I wasn't one to know the ins and outs of a straight relationship, as it's not really my area. 

The movie soon finished, me not really caring either way because it was tedious and a residual cesspool of shit in my opinion. However, John and Greg both groaned at the ending, for some stupid reason and then proceeded to stretch their legs. It was rather odd that both did this at the same time while me and Mary both stayed seated in wait for them to hurry the fuck up.  

Once fully stretched John turned his attention to me which again was rather strange since his girlfriend was sitting beside where he stood. "Hey, you ready to go?" He smiled and I nodded in reply, trying to hide the blush that suddenly appeared on my face. He waited until I stood and then looked me up and down for some reason, but when he brought his head back up and he was biting his lip. 

I noticed this, and he noticed me notice him doing it.   
Again he coughed and grabbed Mary's hand who was now standing waiting. 

I matched his actions by taking Gregs hand and made my way out of the cinema.


	15. Chapter 15

My mother always proclaimed that men where no good, and where only good for sex and nothing else, but to me they where different. Well John at least. He was sweet, considerate and handsome. 

Then there was Greg, the boy who stood with his hand laced in mine as we waited on Mary's mum to come pick her up. Greg was also kind and compassionate, but to me he was just a friend, someone who would always be there when I needed him but just not someone I could love. 

We had been standing waiting for five minutes when Gregs hand began to snake its way around my waist to bring me to face him. I couldn't understand why he was doing this, but I didn't question it, just stared at him. 

He was staring back with a look that had never made its way upon his face in my presence; especially not directed at me. 

Before I knew it he was etching closer, his face only centimetres away from my own. I didn't know what to do, I was frozen in an instant. I knew I didn't want my first kiss to be with Greg but my body wouldn't move, it wasn't allowing me to stop him. 

"Sherlock!" I heard the life saving voice of John Watson from the distance, which ultimately stopped Gregs impending lips. 

I turned to face where the voice had come from only to notice John standing by himself, with no Mary in sight. 

He stood with a confused look on his face, and also a look laced with hurt, but I couldn't pin point why. "Eh... sorry for disturbing you guys" he said while he kicked a stone with his foot. "It's just I was wondering when you guys wanted to head home?" He asked still not bringing his gaze to us as if it would hurt him to look. 

"I'm ready, I'll walk you" I replied before turning to Greg. "Is it alright if I walk him home, saves you dropping me off?" I questioned. 

He brought me into a hug and gently placed a kiss on my cheek "yeah sure. I had fun, I'll see you Monday yeah?" I only nodded in response before turning on my heels and stalking my way over to where John stood waiting. 

" you ready?" I asked as I approached, he brought his gaze to me and nodded sheepishly before proceeding to walk in the direction of home. 

We had been walking for no more than a minute when he stopped dead in his tracks, I turned to face him but his gaze was transfixed upon the pavement below. 

"Sherlock?" He questioned in a whisper only audible due to the lack of commotion surrounding us. 

"Yeah?" I asked as I stalked my way towards him. He brought his attention toward me for the first time since leaving the cinema, only for me to notice his tear pricked eyes that glistened in the moon lit street. 

"Do you love him?" His question took me by surprise. On one hand I didn't want to lie and say I did but on the other I didn't want him to know that I only loved him. 

"What?" Was all I could manage. 

"I said do you love him?" He repeated himself. "It's just it seems like you do, I know I have no right to ask this because it's none of my business but it's just that I can't bare it if you do" he stated as he began to wipe away the stray tears that had now fallen down his face.

"No" I said matter of factly. "No, I don't, Greg is my friend I only asked him out today to make you jealous, I know that sounds stupid and heartless but it's the truth. I was hurt when I found out you where with Mary, to know that your heart belonged to another... sorry" I replied sheepishly as I recoiled from where he stood, to a safer distance in case he punched me in the face. 

He brought his gaze to me once again, only this time no tears brimmed his eyes but a smile danced across his features. "You mean to say, you like me?" He asked, as he took a step forward. 

I drooped my head in shame "well yeah, I thought that was fairly obvious" 

"Not to me it wasn't" he said taking yet another step forward until he was within inches away from me.   
He then placed a finger under my chin, bringing my head to meet him, he was still smiling. "I like you too" he said matter of factly. 

I seriously couldn't believe what I was hearing. Words I had longed to hear for so long now didn't seem real when uttered. All I did was stare vacantly at him as if he was insane. "What, why? I'm a nobody" 

"That's where you are wrong Sherlock, you are everything to me." That had to be the bloody cheesiest thing I had ever heard but it also made my heart melt like a witches ass over boiling hot water.   
Before I knew it he was within inches from my face and unlike prior in the night with Gregs attempts to kiss me, this kiss I so desperately craved -longed for-, as if I didn't have it then I would starve.  
I had no idea what I was suppose to be doing at this moment, so without thinking I leaned in and closed the gap between us. 

Some people say that kissing is like fireworks when it's with the right person, and oh fuck it was like Fourth of July in my mouth. His lips where so soft, the perfect amount of roughness and also sublime tenderness. He could probably sense that this was my first kiss, so he took it slowly, the perfect amount of yielding and giving. It was magical, as if nothing else mattered in this very instant. 

And just like that it was over. With his hands caressing at both my cheek and my waist, he pulled back. My eyes where still closed in fear of if I opened them then I would realise that this was probably a dream. 

"Sherlock?" I heard the soft voice of the boy I had just kissed utter my name. I peeled my eyes open to see him standing flushed and still awfully close, with a smile etched on his lips. "You okay?" He asked as if kissing me was somehow wrong of him. 

"Yes!" I stated non-hesitantly, only for him to chuckle at my response. "I mean yeah, of course I am. It's just..." I trailed off with a furrowed brow.   
He took my hand in his and began to run his thumb over the back of my hand to calm me down "just what?"

"What about Mary" I asked looking anywhere but him. 

All I heard was the distinctive 'o' sound.


	16. Chapter 16

Has anyone ever told you that you are too young to love? That you don't know what love really is? That it is messy and complicated and that your underdeveloped brain couldn't possibly comprehend the severity and seriousness of what is was to actually and physically like to be in love? Well yeah same. 

I hadn't heard from John in four days. To a normal, rational thinker four days seems like a walk in the park. Yet to me it felt like a fucking run in the desert, with no water and nowhere in sight. I felt blind. As if he was the light that was omitted to guid me through the encompassing tunnel, and that light was slowly burning out. Traveling in favour of another. I felt used.

My bed became my sanctuary away from society and it's clutches. As well as my mothers, whom insisted on checking up on me to make sure I was still breathing. I had a suspicion that it wasn't for my well being but more so for her sanity and also money she received for me being well you know... alive.

It was a Tuesday, usually Tuesdays aren't exciting. They are the day after Monday so you're glad it's not Monday, but also it's the day before Wednesday. The middle of the week. The day you can sense Friday and all it's beauty, but your stuck because it's only Wednesday.  So yeah Tuesday, 10:43pm to be exact and I wasn't expecting anything to happen, I was expecting to fall asleep and wake up and start a new day again. The residual cycle of a boring person. Yet, the buzzing of my phone told me otherwise.   
I brought my phone to my face only to notice a text from the very person who had made me a wreck -John.- I clicked on it, with a mundane sort of feel to reveal what he had said. 

I am sorry I haven't spoke to you since...? But I wanted to explain to you why. Where are you like right now?   
To be perfectly honest I squealed, not like one of those "manly" ones you get but like a high pitched inhumane one that sounds like you've ran over a cat. I wasted no time responding.   
Yeah I understand I guess, and in my house, you know it is nearly 11. SH.   
I didn't really expect him to respond for another hour or so, because that is who he is I suppose, but it was almost instantaneous.  
Corner 10 minutes.   
However cryptic I knew exactly what he was talking about. Yet, how to get out the house. The door was not a superb option. The window seemed like the superlative selection. How be it, I couldn't climb. I had the limbs of a new born giraffe. 

I hauled my ass off the bed and threw on some clothes, flattened my hair and sprayed myself with what can only be described as the whole bloody bottle of aftershave, before making my way out the window. 

I would be lying if I said I didn't fall.   
Now covered in grass stains in rather suggestive places, I ran like a clave to meet the boy in wait.

 

The streets where bleak and emotionless, leaving me to wonder them with an equal amount of pessimism. A walk that would have taken me ten minutes, took me five. However, on the way I couldn't help but ponder the severity of this and how it could go one of two ways; he confesses his love to me and we run off into the sunset, or he says let's be friends. The former seemed more pleasurable but unobtainable to say the least. 

My feet where now transfixed upon the pavement. I could make out his silhouette in the distance if I squinted my eyes enough. My heart palpated in my chest as I awaited my fate. His structure danced in the moonlit street as it approached beckoning me to move towards it, yet I stayed still. In fear of if I moved it would become reality. 

He stood peering into my very sole and taking every inch of me in, as I glanced at the ground my feet where glued to. 

"Nice knees" was all he said. I could tell he was amused by the tone of his voice. I didn't have to look at him to know that my peculiar stains where hilarious due to their suggestive positioning.   
I didn't say anything, just let the silence surround us in awkwardness and shallow breaths.   
"Look-"


	17. Chapter 17

"Look why did you kiss me when you're with Mary" I said this in one go, no breath needed due to my panicked state which was reinforced by the shaking of my hands. 

All he did was take one of my hands in his own and begin to trace it with his thumb. 

I know I should have pulled away and told him to explain but there was something hypnotic about his touch. He brought his other hand and placed it under my chin in order to bring my gaze to him as it was still peering at the ground where my feet lay. His eyes where like a trance, a sunset I was never sick of looking at, a rainstorm I was all too happy to stand in. 

"I'm sorry" was all he needed to say at this point, as we gazed into each other's soles, allowing the other to trudge the depths and plant themselves firmly in the others heart. 

*   
"MOLLY MY HOUSE NOW!" I exclaimed as I ran through the streets towards my home. I hung up after proclaiming my lungs to her hoping she understood the message clearly and how urgent it was. 

I took the stairs in my stride; two at a time. As I ran for the only sanctuary I had, before flopping onto my bed in wait. 

Exactly five minutes had passed and there she stood, in a cold sweat panting in the doorjamb. 

"He kissed me!" Was all I needed to say. It's all I could say. It was what she needed to hear all until the sudden realisation plastered itself directly onto her face and then mine shortly after. 

We stood meters apart with her gawking at the seams at my predicament and me so filled with regret and anxiety I was a wreck. 

"Please say something. Anything" I mumbled after another stretch of silence from her. 

She rubbed the back of her neck and made her way to my side, sitting uncomfortably on my bed. She rubbed her hand over my knee and peered daggers into the floor. "Mary?" She squeaked. I didn't know the extent of my regret until this single word was uttered and my world crashed around me. Every aota of happiness that filled my body due to the kiss we shared after the cinema was gone. Now dread occupied every quiver of my beating heart.

"I know-" I managed to say through subtle sobs that where being masked by her shoulder that bore the weight of my head. 

"You can't continue with this you know" she spoke as I lifted my head to meet her gaze. I motioned for her to continue with a nod. "You're not only going to hurt yourself, but what about Mary? I know you don't like her but she has a right to know doesn't she? And not to mention Greg" her words spoke truth, all too well. I already knew this, already knew what had to be done but actually going through with it would ultimately break both mine, and several others hearts in the process.

* 

I gently swat Johns hand away from my chin as to indicate that I was serious for an answer to my prior question. He lowered his head before speaking "I-I..." he inhaled, before exhaling rather loudly all the while I stood in wait. "I broke up with her..." he paused and let out another breath "to be with you..." and another "if you will have me" he let out yet another breath and brought his eyes to my own. 

I'm not sure how my expression looked but it felt shocked. Like when you stand on a shit in the middle of the pavement, or when you go to cross the road not at the traffic lights and a car is coming. Yeah that kind of shocked. However, the shock soon turned into longing but also guilt. Not for me and this situation but for the one person who right now would be saddened. Mary. 

"Are you sure this is what you want?" Was all I said, as I transferred my weight between my feet. "I mean Mary is really pretty and you know she's a girl, what about your reputation?" I pondered rather quickly I may add. 

He just gave me this quizzically look which exhibited signs of amusement. "Sherlock I'm gay" he laughed. "I thought that was fairly obvious by now" he laughed again, yet more traced with sadness than before. 

I just gave him an equally confused look. "But Mary?" I questioned as he stepped closer to me. 

"I was never in love with her, not really. I always knew I liked men, and I always found myself gravitating towards you." He spoke in a whisper as with every word he closed the gap between us, until he was inches away. His lips hovering so close to my own, his breath leaving a trail along my face. I was transfixed upon the boy that stood in front of me. "You mean to say that-" I questioned but was interrupted with his lips being pressed against my own. 

For the second time in my life, I felt truly happy, truly free. I was kissing the one I was meant to be with and like the first kiss this was equally as thrilling and intoxicating. 

I'm not really sure how long we where kissing for, but I was lost in the sublime nature of it all, the subtle way he would trace my lip with his tongue as he begged for entrance, all of which I was happy to oblige to. Or the way he would bite my lip as the kiss deepened. I loved it all. 

His lips where parted from my own, in an exhaustive state and in some form of a daze. His eyes where still closed as I drew my own open, for a single second I gazed the boy before me, he was beautiful. Not the kind of beautiful you see in magazines of models, but the beautiful you see when you stand at a precipice and stare upon the world and inhale the scent it leaves in its wake. 

"Defiantly gay" I spoke as his eyes began to open. He let out a hearty laugh one in which made me weak at the knees and nodded. 

"Yes- obviously."


	18. Chapter 18

To this present day I have never understood the reason as to why my father left. In the eyes of an eight year old my parents marriage seemed fairly normal -well whatever the construct of normal is.- It wasn't until prior to my eighteenth year I discovered the extent of their deceit which brought me to face the demons of my past and discourage the family name. 

My father in my eyes was the man whom always smiled and never uttered a bad word about anyone and to me was humble, my mother on the other hand was well let's just say... the same as she always has been. Yet, much less of a arse as she is in the present. 

Family was always a concept that never really came up. Christmas was a time where we spent it amongst ourselves and no distant relatives visited baring gifts and hugs that where long overdue. To say the least I never knew my family all until that fateful night...

*   
John and I had found ourselves outside his house. It was 3 days to the time where John and I shared a kiss. That tender moment that solidified our bond. Here we stood about to cross the threshold to his life. The one in which I was itching to behold and also fearful in knowing. What if they didn't like me, or accept John? 

I stood with my hand in his as we stalked the steps that lay in wait. Upon reaching the door we pondered, collecting ourselves. 

My nervous disposition was all to obvious. "Are you alright?" He questioned as he brought his gaze to me "we don't have to do this you know." He stated as he turned himself to now face me, his hand still linked with my own. 

I traced the lines that had formed in his furrowed hand, which to me held the years that I wish I had known him. The days where he was becoming the person I love. The lines that marked the boy who stood before me exhibiting signs of lust. "I want to do this, I want to meet the people who love you" I stated matter of factly. 

He just nodded and smiled in response before pivoting to face the door once again, bringing the handle into his unoccupied hand. "Ready" he questioned rhetorically, to which I squeezed his hand to state that indeed I was. 

Before I knew it I was being embraced by the women to which he called his mother. She was not much taller than John himself, yet possessed a severe amount of strength, in which my ribs knew all too well from the hug they endured. "Yes...okay. Please don't kill him" John muttered to my left hand side to where he stood rubbing the back of his neck as his sibling stood behind him with a grin that possessed mischief and acknowledgement for the situation. 

From being released from the hug, I was introduced to Harry, Johns brother. Whom I deduced was his 'sister' until a year prior, in which is the reason for their seeking new accommodation -for a new start as John put it.- He was friendly enough but John warned me that he liked to cause chaos and torment him about well...everything. 

Johns family however much he slated them and belittled them to be people in which where not worthy of the grandeur in which they found themselves living in. Where to me the most accommodating, accepting, companionate people I had ever had the good fortune to meet. They brought themselves out of destitute to now be well off. In which I applaud, as I wish my mother was more like this. Yet, she wallows in self pity and 'oh's me'.

"You okay?" He questioned as we found ourselves residing on his bedroom floor, staring at the ceiling hand in hand. 

All I did was nod in response as I was now lost the the abyss that was his life. The simplicity of it all. The beauty in which I craved. The love. 

His face was now before my own as he was resting upon one elbow to prop himself up. "Are you sure. You seem distracted?" He stated as I brought myself to equal heights.

"Yeah, actually I'm great." I stated matter of factly, because for the first time in my life I was. I was content. 

"That's good" he said, as he ever so slightly elongated the 'good' in a lower register to sound I can only imagine more seductive but rather turned out completely hilarious. To which I let out an inhumane laugh that turned into a fit that was uncontrollable. 

"It's not funny" he stated all the whilst trying to conceal his own smile. Resulting in a contorted expression upon his features. One in which was oh so irresistible to myself. 

Without thinking or hesitation, whilst still laughing I brought myself towards him and placed and ever so delicate kiss upon his lips which immediately softened to my touch. 

"What was that for?" He questioned after my parting. I brought my gaze away from him "I couldn't resist sorry" I mumbled. 

"Don't apologise" he stated as his finger found its way under my chin and brought my face to his in wait, where he began to tenderly kiss me. 

Tender turned to passion and passion turned to lust, and lust turned to desire. I now craved this person before me. However sloppy the kiss I thrived upon his touch. Granting him access as he begged with pleading tongue. 

His hands explored every crevice of my clothed body, before the layer became a restriction to his needs. Button after button removed to reveal the skin that was my own, where he placed kisses along it, leaving marks in his wake to assert his dominance. To which I was putty in his hands. Melting to each nibble. 

All until I found myself on top of him, repeating his prior actions. He now lay beneath with marks similar to my own, trailed along to where my destination lay. Taunting me as the denim layer concealed its true form. My hand smoothed along the surface of his leg before landing on his belt. I knew I wanted this, and I knew he did to. Yet I couldn't bring myself to do it. My mind wouldn't let me. 

Without an explanation I pushed myself from the floor and recoiled to a sitting position with my knees to my bare chest, being denied full touch due to the restriction that was all too visible.

With my bare back against the cold wooden surface of his wardrobe it became increasingly uncomfortable to sit composed. He was knelt before me with pleading eyes, that searched for an explanation to my behaviour. One in which I didn't have. For so long I had wanted this very moment to occur, and now that is was unfolding before my very eyes I fucked it up. 

He stretched his hand towards me as an offering -one in which I obliged to- in order to bring me to my proclaimed height as well as himself. We now stood inches apart, as his breath danced across my features and my nervous disposition was very poorly concealed.

"Look-" he began as he reached for my hand to take in his own. "We don't have to do this you know" he stated as his thumb rubbed circles in my shaking hand. "We can just talk, get to know one another or something" I couldn't exactly argue with that, or his expression that was practically irresistible. All I did was nod in response, before he brought me over to sit on his bed. 

With my feet to the headboard and my head resting on his stomach I felt at peace.

"I'm sorry" was all I said after moments of silence. He let out a laugh and again took my hand in his own. "Why are you apologising?" He questioned again with another laugh. 

"You know...for that" I stated as I titled my head to indicate what I was in fact talking about, without actually saying the words. Alas he gave me a quizzical look. One in which I knew was to signify 'I'm playing dumb so please explain'. To which I let out an exasperated sigh. "For not wanting to sleep with you" I mumbled and turned my gaze away from his own. "It's not that I don't want to it's just..." I trailed off and brought myself to a sitting position. 

"It's just what?" He questioned as he too brought him self to an equal stance. 

I rubbed the back of my neck and let out another sigh. "It's just, are you sure you'd rather be with me than Mary? I mean she is beautiful and I'm well...me" I stated matter of factly, all the whilst still rubbing the back of my neck. 

"Hey...look at me-" he asked as he placed his hand on my shoulder to let me know that he was serious. I turned myself so that I was facing him. He had his legs crossed and mine where pulled so tight towards my chest I thought I was going to pop something. Once settled I nodded for him to continue. "Yes Mary may be beautiful but she is not you" he stated. "You are different, you make me feel something I don't think I can explain, and I have never felt this way about anyone...I was with Mary but now I am not. I don't want to hide anymore I'm tired of hiding. It's exhausting." He looked me dead in the eye when saying this, and I couldn't help but smile. The boy who sat in front of me was willing to give up his reputation for me. Of course I was more than overwhelmed. All I could do was blush and mumble thank you incoherently.

*   
School approached swiftly after. The weekend turned into a blur of emotions and restricting clothing and the prison of school was no comfort to my arising terror of my impending demise that lay in wait. 

Like routine my mother so graciously dropped me off, no matter how much I pleaded with her to let me miss the day. 

So here I sit in wait of my friend to arrive with the momental questions that she no doubt has.   
No too long that I wait to see not Molly but John enter through the doors, to my somewhat disadvantage. Although I am truly elated to see him.   
He sits at my right hand side and instantly takes my hand in his own and begins to rub his famous pattern that I will never become accustom to due to the fact it makes me weak at the knees.

"You okay, you seem tense?" He questioned after he noticed my hand visibly shake. 

"Yes-" I croaked. I'm actually happy I managed say that to be quite honest. 

And with that the doors swung open to reveal Molly, who to an oblivious person seemed normal but to me, whom knew everything. She was both concerned and shocked at Johns close proximity. 

She didn't even take a seat, she stood perched over the table with both hands at either side. "Explain!"


	19. Chapter 19

I couldn't explain...

I froze in an instant, as her eyes peered through my very sole. Even the hand that lay intertwined with my own was no comfort in this situation. She was undoubtedly terrifying. 

"Hello-" she began to wave a hand profusely in front of my face in order to gain my attention, which in turn worked. Both of them now waited for an explanation, one in which he knew and she did not. 

I inhaled deeply and exhaled shallowly. "I know I said I would but...but-" I trailed off looking at John for support, to which he just smiled and nodded in her direction. Another exhale escaped my lips. "I love him..." was all I said, for them to both gasp in unison. 

Molly already knew this information but to her it was overwhelming witnessing a proclamation of my love to the one that sits near. The one I have loved ever since I lay eyes upon him. Yet, John's reaction was completely justified. To him this was just a crush that turned into infatuation, not love. To him it was too early for declarations of love, which was all to obvious from the expression that now resided upon his face. Yet to my surprise turned to lust and exhibited signs of reciprocated emotion. Which was followed by a kiss being gently placed at the base of my ear, to where he whispered after parting "and I, you." 

* 

Declarations of love have never been my strong suit, as I have never been on the receiving end of such an emotion. Yes, my mother loves me but not the love she is supposed to bore for her child. Mothers are meant to jump through fired hoops or run through walls for said child yet, my mother wouldn't even contemplate such an act. Not even for Mycroft. 

Selfishness has always been a common attribute for my mother. She was thinking of herself when she decided to smoke, as well as drink, and gamble and sleep with a string of men. All of which where not my father. However, to my delight I do not contain such an attribute in myself. I take after my father.   
To my surprise I do not know much about my own father. Only that he served in the military for several years and gave it all up to start a family. Other than that, he remains the biggest mystery of my person. 

* 

School ended without another encounter as to why John was so close to me. Fortunate for me, Greg was no where to be seen the entire day. Therefore I did not need to explain the situation I now found myself in. Instead I now find myself walking hand in hand with the boy I call my own towards my house.   
Only days prior I watched as he walked off similarly with another and now here I am. 

A walk which duration was ten minutes brought us to my front door. In wait I turned to John whom stood at my left. "You sure you want to meet them? They are awful" I stated as I stared at him with pleading eyes. To which he smiled. 

"Don't give me that adorable look-" he stated as he placed a kiss upon my cheek. "I want to meet your family" he said as he let go of my hand and made his way to the door, where he let himself in. Only to stop dead in his track with a quizzical expression which was laced with confusion and embarrassment.   
I ran to join him in the doorjamb to inspect the predicament he found himself witnessing. I wish I hadn't. 

I stumbled across Mycroft completely naked, lying under an equally unclothed Greg. All I could do was stare, and slowly back away to where I came, with John in tail. 

The plan was to run, to clear the room and wash my eyes. However, I didn't take Johns clumsiness into consideration. As without even a second passing he had banged into the door that lay open and made such a ruckus that both Mycroft and Greg shot apart to stare at the scene unfolding in front of them, with equally reddened faces.


	20. Chapter 20

"Sherlock-" Greg exclaimed from his position on the couch next to a naked Mycroft. "I can explain..." he stated as he began to make his way towards where me and John stood. 

He stopped in his tracks for a brief moment to pick up his discarded clothes that lay on the floor, before in turn putting them on. "I-I..." he mumbled before trailing off. 

I raised my hand in order to silence his babbling. "Don't apologise, you have no need to" I stated before taking John's hand in my own and began to rub circles in it. He naturally looked up to me quizzically at first, but then softened to my touch and gaze. He is adorable. 

For a moment we where lost in each other's eyes until a cough ruptured the bliss. 

"Eh-" both Mycroft and Greg hesitated in unison. "When did that happen?" It was Mycroft whom took the lead in talking. How very telling. 

He strode his way towards where Greg stood. He didn't even bother gathering his clothes that lay beneath his feet. Instead his gaze demanded an answer. 

"Well-" I began. Before I was interrupted by John.   
"Technically last summer, but officially the other day." He stated with a widened smile which was quite frankly irresistible. In turn creating me to smile shyly as a blush became evident on my features. 

"You mean to say that-" Greg mumbled and trailed off, rubbing his hand through the back of his hair in frustration. "That our date was a lie?" He questioned, peering daggers into my face. 

"Well not exactly, I wanted to prove to myself that I didn't have feelings for John so..." I said nonchalantly as John squeezed my hand for reassurance. "Naturally that failed." I let out a slight laugh, one in which no one replied to. "I am hardly any less to blame than you Gregory, or have you forgotten where we stand?" I motioned towards the entirety of the room. 

He in turn blushed. "Yes well I guess I can't be mad at you" he stated as he took Mycroft's hand in his own. 

"Right ew, enough of that" saying as I backed slowly out the room with John in hand, making our way to the stairs. Where once reached scaled two at a time in order to reach the sanctuary of my room. 

"Do you think it's weird that Greg is with your brother?" John questioned from his position on my bed. 

"Yes!" I all but screamed. "Sorry..." I let out an exasperated sigh and flopped upon the bed, face first. Only for John to start rubbing his hands through my locks. 

"At least now you don't have to tip toe around Greg" he stated after a brief moment of comfortable silence. 

"Yeah I guess" I replied nonchalantly.

Upon turning from my wallowed flop I noticed John staring at me, not that look you get when you are just gazing at something or someone. It was more the look of utter completion, and for it to be directed at me, it hitched my breath and for an instant time paused. 

It was just me and him, him and I, us. No distractions from life. No bustling of people. No anything. Just unadorned lust.

I couldn't pin point the moment we began kissing all I knew was it was happening. 

Reactions. Exploring hands. Lingering breaths. Muffled moans. All indicating signs that this was meant to be. 

And yet, I couldn't. 

As prior I pushed myself away from him, and recoiled into a ball. This time was different. This time brought thoughts. Memories that penetrated my walls. Hollowed screams that contained every emotion, accompanied by sobs of sorrow and shame.   
From my spot on my bed, within the clutches of John.

I cried.


	21. Chapter 21

My mother was once the sun to me. I basked in her glow, inhaling the heat in which she radiated. Yet, as time progressed the sun became unbearable. An explosion on the edge of engulfing all in its wake.   
Eight years old was where my life slowly began to swallow me whole. Eight was the time I could remember, no matter how much I begged myself to forget. The fond memories where dulled by the ever growing plague that rot my mind. Each happy thought I clung to like it was my last breath. Hoping beyond hope that the ones that appeared with every blink, every wrong touch, every sombre atmosphere would fade to the abyss. I knew the inevitable would occur. I just didn't know when. 

And it was now...  
*  
John stayed by my side until the sobs ceased. I couldn't expect him to understand my quizzical behaviour, as I myself could not. Well... I could but denial was the best form of action. 

It had taken an hour for me to regain composure and bring myself to a sitting position, with my head against the wall. 

"Sorry-" was all I could attempt to say, and was all I was willing to let myself say at this precise moment. 

"Don't apologise, it is perfectly normal to cry" he stated as he reached for my hand to lace with his own. To this I flinched, as the sudden movement startled me. 

"Sorry..." I mumbled yet again. For this was the word that remained in my arsenal, as in my many interactions it left my lips a considerable amount of times.

"Stop apologising, you do not need to." He stated before he once again reached for my hand. This time I melted to the touch. Even in the darkest of times, the light he omits penetrates my deepest thoughts. 

"Thank you" I croaked, as he began to rub circles into my hand. 

He just hummed in response. Before exhaling rather loudly. I knew this meant he had questions. Ones in which I was sure I did not have an answer to. Yet I felt myself respond. "You have questions..." I stated as I pivoted my head around to meet his gaze. To which he just smiled. 

"Yeah..." he started before inhaling and exhaling like some form of chant. "What happened" he questioned.

I guess that really is the only question worth asking. The one I certainly did not have an answer to. To me it was like a vivid nightmare, one in which played on a residual cycle. Plaguing my sleep, my life and my happiness. A nightmare in which was most certainly too detailed to be just that; a dream. 

"I was eight..." I mumbled before closing my eyes. I could picture it, no matter how many times I tried not to. I could feel the hurt, the hollow breaths, the saddened pleas. I could feel it all. 

"Please stop!" I heard myself say. Both to the silhouette formed within my mind and reality. I didn't want to live this. Not again. Never again. 

So with that I ran. Out with my own sanctuary, my home and towards anywhere that didn't hold visual triggers. My legs carried me far away from the nightmares that lay dormant in my mind. Yet, no matter how far I ran they remained.   
I found myself at the edge of the park. Where I fell to my knees, exasperated and defeated. I knew that trying to outrun my own thoughts was useless. So there and then I let them consume me. Caress me. Denature my entire existence, as tears slipped like a pool of emotion down my face. 

All until a furrowed hand seized my mouth...


	22. Chapter 22

Johns POV 

I just watched him run. There really wasn't anything I could say or do to stop him. So I gazed upon the figure of the boy I came to care about, leave. I knew. I just knew that there was something traumatic in his past that haunted him like a shark would it's prey; stalking it until in the perfect position to pounce and consume. He was not strong enough to handle it by himself. I always did wonder why his mother and brother seemed protective yet distant. To me they seemed more tentative than my mother was to me. The glances they gave him when he wasn't looking where so...so harrowing. As if they held a knowledge that was too painful to divulge. However, I had to know. Not for my sake, but for his. I had to help, but first I had to know as to what I was helping with. 

So with that thought in mind I hauled myself from the seated position. Toed on my shoes and paved my way to the living room. To where I found Mycroft curled into Greg's side in some form of cute cuddle yet looked more like a condom filled with bolognese sauce. 

I coughed to draw their attention to me. "Sherlock. What happened?" I questioned without missing a beat. "Eight. What happened." I now demanded in a tone with enough ferocity that shocked even myself. 

Mycroft just pushed Greg off him, whispered in his ear and with that Greg was making his way towards the front door. Once it had shut Mycroft stalked his way in front of me and stood to his proclaimed height. Looming over me like a overcast. "Eight was a time for Sherlock we do not talk about." He started ominously. "How have you come to know about this?" Questioning with a raised eyebrow and a smirk dancing upon his features. 

"You can wipe that smirk off of your face Mycroft." I voiced. My tone still laced with anger. "We...well." I trailed off, matching my eyebrow to his own in an indication to my lost words. "I asked what happened and all he said was 'I was eight'. I know it's something bad. Just tell me it isn't what I think it is- please." My words became a pleading whisper. Like a timid child. "Please." I repeated like some form of a mantra. It's all I could ask for. For the truth not to be so. 

He just looked away and drew in a breath. That's all I needed. The conformation to my suspicions. I couldn't fathom it. It was like a wind within my brain, blowing everything out of proportion, and rightfully so. This was horrific, and only one person mattered at this moment. Sherlock. My Sherlock.  

I about turned leaving Mycroft to stew in the dust that accompanied the hollow hole where his heart lay, and made my way to the door. Upon opening it a voice rose from the depths of the other room.

"Look after him John. Please." Was all it said, before I closed the door and inhaled the air to the world. A world where my boyfriend was petrified and alone. I had to change that. 

-

The streets where deserted as I took them in my stride, one after another. Each vacant with everything other than the boy I was in search for. One particular street I ventured down brought me into contact with the one person I feared the most; Mary. 

"John!" She whined as I brushed past her in an attempt not to spark a conversation, which inevitably failed. "John." She shrieked again as I pivoted to face her. 

"Hi" was all I said. It was all I could bring myself to say. She was staring and I didn't want to talk. I had more important things to do. 

"How's Sherlock?" She asked in an mildly amused tone. A tone that exhibited a knowledge of something I couldn't quite put my finger on. It was malicious to say the least. 

I gazed at her, she was different. Not for the better. "He's great, we're great. I'm just looking for him actually have you seen him run past?" I asked, she really was my last hope and that was tedious to admit. 

"I did see him run to the park, if that helps" she stated with a devilish smile upon her features. It was disgusting, how I could have put up with her was beyond me. "Do give him my luck, he's going to need it." And with that she about turned and walked away. Leaving me to ponder at her words. What a bitch. 

I didn't waste anytime. I all but sprinted to the park. Throwing open the gate that lay in wait. The trees where cast in a light that made them personify, elongating their fingers seeking out their next victim. I was terrified, but Sherlock was lost and I intended to find my love. 

It was all but a few moments until I heard what sounded like a howl coming from the depths of the forrest. The darkness consumed it and only the shrieks of a person where cast above the whimpering of the wind. I obviously followed it. 

My footfalls emitted sounds that I wish I could conceal; the breaking of twigs, the cracking of leaves. I wanted to be discrete, to camouflage myself into the surrounding, until the time was operative to strike. Undoubtably that was the moment my gaze feel upon a man towering above him; my Sherlock. Leaving fist after first imprinted upon his delicate skin. I didn't wait. Natural instinct overtook my ability at rational thought and I pounced. Plummeting myself and this man to the ground and landing blow after blow to the side of his face, without fear of the implications. All until arms clasped themselves around me and dragged me to a standing positions. 

"Sherlock!" I wailed in relief. Taking him into my embrace. "Oh my god, I thought I lost you, don't scare me like that again" I stated in a whine, only to be pulled from the hug that I knew we desperately needed. 

"You should go." Was all he said before he dropped his arms by his sides and gazed upon the man who lay on the ground. "Before he wakes up" 

I couldn't fathom the situation unfolding before me. "Who-what?" I asked incoherently. "Who is he?" I questioned. It was the only thing I wanted to know at this point in time, because Sherlocks actions did not make sense to me. This was all out of character.

He brought his gaze back to me. He looked hollow, like every piece of whom he was now was obliterated in this instant. His pleading eyes penetrated my very sole as his words left his mouth. 

"My father."


End file.
